The List: February 4, 2026

Following the town-gown flare-up concerning Evanston's "four-or-more-unrelated ordinance," Politics & Policy decided to assist the Evanston City Council in its mission to resist the roving bands of Northwestern hooligans roaming its streets.
Here are 10 things that Evanston can do to cut down on student rambunctiousness:

 

 

 

10 things Evanston can do to cut down on student rambunctiousness:

  1. Prohibit sale of ping pong balls, solo cups.

  2. Enforce citywide quiet hours during reruns of “The Andy Griffith Show.”

  3. Post “Be seen, not heard” signs at every Evanston Loop Shuttle stop.

  4. Convert Arch to police checkpoint, requiring the administration of mandatory breathalyser tests to to anyone passing through.

  5. Ban the Internets, cellular telephones, and other new-fangled techno gadgets.

  6. Require every Bobb-McCulloch resident to wear an ankle bracelet.

  7. Ask the Evanston Police Department to enforce a “Taze first, ask questions later” policy.

  8. Require any individual, whom a police officer has reason to suspect may be between the ages of 18 and 26, to supply a driver’s license, demonstrate legal immigration status, and perform a sobriety test.

  9. Bring Burger King into conformity with every other business in downtown Evanston by requiring it to close its doors by 7 p.m.

  10. Reintroduce prohibition.