Missiles on London Residences

Nike missile being raised on launcher in Marin County, California on December 5, 2004. Creative Commons photo by Dawn Endico.

Security preparations for the London Olympics have got the British Ministry of Defense in high gear. Just this week, the military installed a high velocity missile system on the top of a building that contains over 700 apartment units. The building, a former match factory, was chosen because of its “excellent view of the surrounding area.”

What would Northwestern students do if the government placed a missile on their apartment?

• Prevent enforcement of the Brothel Law - Because anti-air weapons are a rational response to annoying municipal codes
• Enhance dubstep songs - Have the biggest bass drop ever. Make Skrillex tremble in terror.
• Use as a bouncer - No one sneaks into places protected by high explosives.
• Light Cigarettes - People only smoke to look cool anyway. Now you can be as cool as Iran!
• Top the Eberhard Show - Or attempt to at the very least.
• Use as a conversation starter - Nothing breaks the ice like an explosion.
• Sell to NK for beer money - UN sanctions aren’t as harsh as Evanston’s liquor laws.
• Use for terrible pick-up lines - For example: I have something rigid and volatile that you may want to take a look at; Be careful, I have a heat-seeking missile that says you’re the hottest thing around.
• Benchpress them - Intimidating and economical!
• Use as a prop while singing Rocketman - Make Elton John proud.